In my 20s I have not been very much self-aware with anything let alone my life. If I felt any feelings of discomfort, I tried to escape them by distracting myself by mostly watching TV non-stop. During the early 2000s, reality TV was just rearing its ugly head and it took me by storm. I naively thought it was all real and watched them in disbelief that I get a glimpse into how these people lived their lives that were very different from mine which was quite intoxicating.
Now looking back, I think I was addicted to watching TV because I wanted to be a pop-culture literate. I was that person that didn’t watch too much TV during high school years and always felt left out when others talked about what was hot on MTV or Much Music or TV shows that were popular at that time.
The actual reason why I didn’t watch TV was that I actually had difficulty understanding English from shows and movies but I couldn’t let anybody know the real reason.
I immigrated to Canada when I was 10 and while I was learning how to speak English (barely because I was so shy), I had a harder time understanding and hearing the language.
I admit that I sometimes still have difficulty understanding English and I constantly ask people to clarify what they said or meant. I think I have some sort of issues with my short attention span and that I secretly think I have a mild form of ADHD because I get way too easily distracted. So distracted that I refuse to download apps that stop people from distracting. I can’t do this because I think I will jump through the window or smash my phone to pieces because of not being able to concentrate.
When I was about to graduate high school during the early 2000s, that was the time when I was able to understand some English and to read captions (I still turn on captions when watching shows and movies especially when people have accents). Afterward, I was able to understand English more than before, and that totally changed my life and shall I say I became addicted to watching TV for the next decade! I could FINALLY understand why people talked non stop about their favorite shows, scenes, and actors!
During this time while I was going to school, I never read a book other than textbooks (barely) and instead of trudging and figuring out the study materials, I turned to my best friend, TV, which provided me with feelings of comfort. These were the when there was no Netflix, TVO..(wha?)..and just shows with COMMERCIALS INCLUDED!!!
Why am I talking about this now?
I feel like I’ve been trying to catch up for the old times and feel stuck having these negative projections to myself constantly. I criticize, blame, shame, judge, and label how much I have issues with every part of my life such as my communication level, smart level, physical looks, and everything else that I can imagine!
I don’t like feeling this way so that is why I am putting on my self-awareness hat and trying to figure this shit now.
So that’s why at this time, I am trying to do everything that I can to avoid feelings of guilt and shame. I am feeling quite stressed and because of this guilt and pressure that I put upon myself, I feel like nothing ever that I do is enough.
I feel slightly better now compared to being in my 20’s due to having slightly more confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth and more not caring about how others think about me.
I read somewhere that emotions last for 90 seconds and that we just need to ride them out and whatever that you are feeling will go away whether they are happy or sad. Whenever I feel sad I remind myself that this, too, will go away soon and the important reminder is to feel them even though it can be excruciating. Whatever I am feeling is telling me what is going on with my mind and my body.
Anyways these were just my thoughts on self-awareness that I wanted to share with you all! I think having self-awareness is such a wonderful gift to have and more I practice more I will have. I work in the social services field where I have to be self-aware to work with myself but with the people that I work with and it really is a gift even though they can be excruciating.
How are you dealing with self-awareness? Does it come naturally to you? Please leave a comment down below if you want.
Thank you for reading as always!