I wanted to write a post about myself when I was back in my early 20s.
I was recently watching my favorite Canadian talk show called The Social and I was listening and watching the four hosts, who were all women from multicultural backgrounds, I felt a sense of bond and warmth which permeated inside of my body.
I have always felt this bond as I have been watching this show consistently online for almost a couple of years now, but something in that moment propelled me to write a post and to share with others what I was thinking. I wanted to be and to feel honest with myself and I admit, writing has only been a recent affair; however, it is something I want to continue doing and to continue to honing my skills as doing so.
When I was watching the show and realizing my feelings of warmth and bond, I noticed they were feelings toward other women. Other strangers. Other women.
I remember when I was in my early 20’s and it probably continued until mid to late 20’s, I saw other women be someone whom I had to be in competitions with. These thoughts could have arisen from witnessing the whole mean girls scene back in elementary and highschool settings, but I noticed whenever, I would set foot into a new setting, I would scan and to look out for the potential mean girls. They might not have been necessarily mean, but if they were feigning beauty and the brain, they would be someone I would watch out and to envy on the sidelines.
During that time, I did not have much self- confidence so I did not think I could stand a chance against the strong and beautiful women (in my perspective), but they were someone I would stare from the side of my eyes and brood feelings of jealousness and negativism. Whenever I would change my style whether it be clothing to hair color, I would see how I compared to them. I just remember that on the outside, I would smile, and to seem cheerful, but inside, I felt horrid, confused, and alone.
And somehow, I had this weird sense of pride, that I also had to be the center of attention so when there was a new girl, prettier and younger, who might have needed my assistance, I would shut them down by ignoring or not paying them attention.
I knew somewhere inside, that was not the person I wanted to be. It was rarely the other women I was hating but only myself. I knew somewhere deep inside, I was a genuine, kind person but because I had self -confidence issues and did not have anyone who was there to help me navigate those awkward, indescribable feelings, my negativity spiraled until it dug a hole. Ill brooding feelings were trying to form into an ugly shape that I did not want to give it a meaning.
It is still a process but I can say I am in a space where I feel I can better support other women without fear, and scrutiny and to stand in solidarity with those that are constantly fighting for women’s’ rights. This was unintentional but I will be posting today to acknowledge International Women’s Day. Happy International Women’s Day.
Please comment down below if you felt any negative feelings toward other women in general and how you overcame those feelings.
Thank you for reading!
Until next time